“When it hurts to look back, and you’re scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there”

so……………..there is a girl i met awhile back. she has short dark brown hair with amazing light greenish bluish eyes. She likes tattoos, piercings, hair, makeup, makeovers, old hollywood, pinup girls, writing, sex, smoking, drinking, dancing(she is an AMAZING FUCKING dancer), hippy stuff, The Craft, tarot cards, witchcraft(the idea of it not the religion), Marie Antoinette, candles, smiling, and having fun! she is married and lives in their own apartment. she goes to cosmetology school full time. when we first met i thought she was the most epic person i have ever met. like one of those kids you see like on facebook or myspace that you would love to hang out with cause they seem so fucking awesome but you know they wouldnt want to have anything to do with you or like the person you wish you could be just like but you dont have the balls or self confidence to be like. well to me that was her. so i had already told myself just “be cool dont say too much, dont stare her down, dont act werid, talk like a normal person would, sit up straight, dont be a dork, dont joke around too much (sometimes people dont get my sense of humor)” i was trying so hard not to offend her or creep her out but everything that came out of my mouth was just embarrassing and not so “cool” and in my mind i felt like i just ruined my chance to be friends with someone so awesome and i dont know how to put it in word but its just something so great you are extremely lucky to find someone that has this characteristic in them. shockingly she just laughed and talked back to me. that was the beginning of the greatest friendship of my life. she was there for my when no one would even look at me unless to tell me i needed to go home or be locked in a mental hospital. she took me in when everyone turned me away. she put her school, career, and even her future on the line for me. she took up for me knowing she would lose some friends. that is only the very few things she has done for me not including just listening to my problems and rants on people. i would do anything in this world for her. even die for her. i could never repay her for all she has done for me. i mean seriously i clean a dish to make her happy(i puke every time i wash a dish). i even attempted to dance and give a lap dance to make her smile. i swear on everything i own that i would do anything to try to be as good as a friend as she is to me.  ”True Best Friends Last a Life Time”

HeavenLeigh i love you always and forever :) you make me laugh when im pissed or upset. you make me feel like im not alone in the hateful world. you are just simply fucking awesomely amazing! thank you so much for coming into my life and not leaving <3

“A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success”

just thoughts from the past

I still remember what I ordered at Mcdonald’s on January 8th at 7:27 pm, two large sweet teas and ten piece chicken nuggets. I felt the vibration on my leg, I did not know who was calling me or recognized the number but, I had a feeling that I needed to answer the call. The call was from my childhood friend Megan, she was sobbing as she spoke the words I never would forget. The kind of words that no one should ever have to hear about their best friend. “Lindsey got shot and was found dead in her house”, she said it like as if she was scared to tell me. I could not understand what had happen to Lindsey, my best friend for over ten years. I had just talk to her and made plans about her coming to stay with me the next night to look for prom dresses and get industrial piercings together. All I could do was drive. Drive in anger, sorrow, regret, questioning, and most of all heart break. I was driving to my youth leaders house for a sleepover in hopes of having a great time before i found out about Lindsey. I was still going with the plans but, my mood had changed to the point I became numb. The girls from church were trying their best to help me but, truthfully none of them had lost someone close to them. Through the night I got a phone call from my friend Hailey asking me if I knew why Lindsey did it. Then it hit me, like a basket ball hitting the floor by a NBA player, Lindsey had shot herself. Hailey felt so bad that she was the one to tell me about her suicide. All I could do was sit, stare, and randomly break out in tremendous amount of tears. I did that for three days straight with out eating or sleeping. 

The third day i had to drive to my hometown not for fun but, to bury my best friend in a lonely hole in the earth. When I first got there I headed straight to Lindsey’s House. I just had to see her mom, dad, and her little sister who were just like family. I walked through there door and tears came pouring out as her family hugged me like I was their own. Her mom asked if I would please go to Lindsey’s room to look for her camera since I was the only one that knew what it looked like. It took all I had in me to walk up that lonely stair case and knowing not to long ago she laid lifeless at the top of them stairs. As soon as I opened her door memories of ten years flooded my mind. Having to go through her things as if I was looking for my tank top through her messy room like the week before when we became closer than ever. I guess you could say I was not all there or I was day dreaming when i was looking at the pictures of her and I taken under a week ago. There was proof of how happy she was and how she never showed any “signs of suicide” It shocked everyone in that small town I call home. It was the first time a 16 year old girl, who had everything from cheerleading to tattoos to cosmetology training, committed suicide with no reason at all.

Lindsey’s death was not just a significant experience or just a lost. Her death was the death of me. I had everyone scared to talk to me or afraid of saying the wrong thing. Some did not say a word because they knew they did not know how I felt. Then some would call my parents worried sick about my heath and well being. I did not leave the house and rarely left my room for twenty eight days straight. It came time to take the ACT but my depression got to the best of me. It was on February 6th, the day after Lindsey’s seventeenth birthday and i could not make myself to get out of bed to focus on a test that decides if I could go to college or not. From then on I tried to get up and out as much as i could. After five months passed since that dreadful day, I was getting out the house everyday and was doing okay until Friday came around. Lindsey Isabella Mason was born on a Friday, died on a Friday and turned seventeen on a Friday. Still to this day I get a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart drops when I wake up on fridays. I made it through every though moment of her death and plan to keep doing it still. 

I do not want sympathy nor do i want to be ignored. I want it to be known that whenever it seem that you are in the darkest, coldest, scariest, loneliest, place imaginable, that there is hope. Lindsey did not know that and I thought I was gonna die alone in my room or at least live the rest of my life inside my house. I had no idea that I would actually be wanting to go to college and actually applying. If you would have asked me if i was going to apply to college eight months ago I would have told you there was no use of me trying and getting my hopes up for failure. I honestly believed that I could not succeed at anything since I felt that I failed as a friend to Lindsey and did not know something was wrong. Though now I know that there was nothing I could have done and I did not do anything wrong. Confidence has grown inside me, to the point I know I can do anything I want and know Lindsey will be with me no matter what. I live day by day and pray for strength to get through those moments were the darkness starts to take over and the light seems so distance. Her death changed my life for the better but, I loath the fact I lost a friend. I know she is an angel making my life go in the right direction. 

ch-ch-changes

changes used to scare me. i used to shake at the idea of doing anything off-routine…..i obviously didn’t know any better. for once….i feel free. nothing can touch me. its as if im floating above who i used to be and turning into the strong person i always knew was within. even if i start to get scared….i know its all worth the struggle. because im happy. life is good. and i feel like im actually doing the right thing for me. changes are risky, true. however, i have no doubt this one was worth it. not only have i proved everyone who thought i was off my rocker wrong….i proved to myself that i, and only those who’s opinions i allow to matter, can sway my destiny.